I'm fading away
Into the gray of my mornings
Or the blues of every night
from Nikki Giovanni's Cotton Candy On A Rainy Day
Depression and I have been acquainted for quite some time. I have tried unsuccessfully to put her in the closet with my skeletons, but she always finds her way out, no matter how far I tried to shove her under the floorboards. Recently, we have come to an agreement and I have taken her name off of the lease. She does not and cannot live here any longer. Our relationship was too abusive and I could not continue to have her as my roommate. She was not ready to go, but I was not deterred by that. I packed her things and waved goodbye as she slowly made her way to the curb. She walked backwards, looking for some foothold of compassion in my eyes that might allow her to change direction but she found none. It was time for her to go and I had to be the one to show her the door.
If someone you loved suffered from depression would you know? Would you see the signs in your own life if that someone happened to be you? If you really thought about it, would you find that you are not really lazy, sexually frigid, or unfriendly, but actually clinically depressed? Too many of us shy away from that medical diagnosis because of the stigma that is attached by our communities. It is time to move past that, get help and get healthy. The only thing ‘wrong’ with being depressed is that there are cures and we don’t have to suffer alone in silence. I would not think twice about going to my doctor if I thought I had a sinus infection. I would sit in her office for hours just to hear her give me the diagnosis and a sheet from her prescription pad. I would not allow anyone to make fun of me because I could not breathe!! So, why do we allow people to place restrictions on our healing when it comes to mental health? I just can’t understand it.
Depression as I knew it brought a cascade of sadness, withdrawal from family and friends, a paralysis of sorts that kept me locked in a tight pattern of checking off a list of things to do without having to give much thought to anything. Depression dressed me in a coat of marzipan melancholy. It was so thick that it weighed me down and restricted my movements. I could enjoy brief moments, but those were the anomaly and not the norm. I felt uninspired and I could not access my creativity unless it served to mask whatever else I was feeling. This combination led me to act and react to situations in unhealthy ways but I did not see any other way because my sight was also affected by this disease. The world around me had not really changed but my lenses were scratched and coated with Georgia red clay. My world became distorted and so did my actions, and thoughts. I’m told that misery loves company but I would beg to differ. I came to a place where I did not want to be around anyone…not even myself. It was a cold and lonely existence.
Depression launches a relentless attack on your spirit, your body, and your mind. (I will tell the story of my recovery some other time.) As I have recovered from my own state of dis-ease, I have found a vast number of women in my own circles who are currently suffering in silence. It saddens me to know that I am not unique in my suffering. I have found that this dis-ease is far from rare and now I must speak on behalf of those who are still strangled by depression. If you would be-friend someone who suffers, you must have the tenacity to press past the mask. You must have the patience to know that we may have a relapse even when we are medicated or seeking other treatment. You must know that we can muster up enough energy to keep you at bay for a few days until we can handle you again. You cannot imagine how great the payoff is when we can keep up the façade of normalcy just long enough to get home or get in the car and steal a moment to burst into tears for the third time on any given day. You must know that like single parents, we find ways of managing and making life look easy. Do not be fooled by this act. Gently, lovingly, hold us accountable but be prepared for anything. You may have to cook, clean, or drive. You may have to listen without giving any advice or feedback. Please remember that we are not really ourselves as you have come to know us, so you’ll have to be patient if we don’t act and react as you would expect. We appreciate your good intentions, but please don’t just tell us you’re praying for us. We need you to play as well as pray. We will fight you off but you must keep coming back. We will shut you out, but you must stay by the doors and windows. We will fake it and hope that you don’t notice but what we need more than anything is for you to notice! You’ll think we’ve gone crazy and maybe we have. You don’t have to go crazy too, but watch where we’re walking as we walk together.
If I am speaking to you and you are wearing the mask, please know that there is help. Please know that you do not have to suffer. Do not buy the uninformed opinions that are being sold at the low price of a dime a dozen. You must fight the inclination to believe that you are lazy, crabby, evil, crazy, or whiney. You must believe that there is someone who will walk with you but you must let her in or give her a key. You must allow him to carry you when you’re too tired to move your own limbs. You must give in to your body’s need to return to optimum health. You must be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. Your lenses need to be cleaned, corrected, and maybe even replaced. You will have to shed your protective skin. You will have to learn to be gracious as you accept help from others. (That’s the hard part. Pride and depression are like evil superpowers that join forces to prevent healing! It’s so ugly!) Now comes the hard part – you have to hang on to some glimmer of hope. I don’t know where it hides in your house but mine was buried deeper than pirate’s treasure but it would never allow me to give up everything. Yes, I had the thoughts of suicide, but I am still here. How? A favorite song, a favorite show, a favorite flavor…I held on to whatever I could –no matter how small. The few bright spots I could see were just enough to keep me afloat. Please hold on just a little while longer. We’re coming to get you out of there!
Receive the benediction as given by another excerpt from Nikki G’s Cotton Candy On A Rainy Day
Something needs to change
Everything some say will change
I need a change
of pace face attitude and life
Though I long for my loneliness
I know I need something
Or someone
Or. . . . .
