"Words are but the vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links, they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes." Theodore Dreiser
Please allow me to begin with words of gratitude to those who read the last blog entry. Thank you so very much! I am grateful for your overwhelming responses on the topic of depression. After reading and hearing the comments that were shared via email or in private conversations, I realized that I had indeed chosen my topic wisely and I am glad that it resonated with so many people. I invite you to always feel free to send a comment to me on this blog and rest assured that if you do not want it published, I will certainly respect your privacy and I will not post it. I would, however, like to encourage you to share your wisdom with each other. There was great sharing behind the scenes of that last post that could have had a wider impact if shared here. Just know that I always welcome your comments whether public or private!
For a few weeks, I thought that I would be writing more on the topic of depression, however, I discovered that I am not writing this blog as much as it is "writing me." By that, I simply mean that as time passes and as events unfold, the purpose for my writing always seeks and finds me. I do not have to do the exhausting work of controlling the outcome. (Yes, clutch the pearls, I am working on releasing that whole control freak thing...one day at a time, Sweet Jesus!) The relevant issue always presents itself and works its way into my brain until I realize, "Oh! That's why I'm thinking about that so much! It must be time to write!"
So, I am sitting at the square black card table that doubles as both desk and dining room table and I find myself concerned with the intent and purpose for my blog. Those of us who find ourselves multitasking often use technology to aid us in our race to get it all done in the most efficient manner. My telephone not only sends and receives calls, but also has texting capability, can access the internet, serves as a GPS for when I can't find the nearest Target or Starbucks, and of course, can alert me to every inane post that pops up on Facebook. My phone cannot make dinner but it can make reservations! This device certainly serves a multitude of intents and purposes. I have no plans to make this blog work that hard.
I have recently learned about the value of setting intentions for each day. These are not the same as goals, but rather, reminders of what is important in your life. Intentions allow us to put our values in line with our actions. (I intend to provide my family with nutritious food, so I will shop for fresh ingredients and cook at home instead of racing to a drive-up window for ground gristle on a bun with ketchup.) This blog is not for all intents and purposes but rather for one purpose. My purpose for this season is to give expression to what I find to be common threads that people want to talk about but have no words or forum for doing so. Many of my friends and loved ones suffer from "holding-it-in-itis" because they are afraid that they are the only ones who have these issues. They have never heard anyone else speak of these things. Enough already! We were not created to endure lives of silent pain and suffering. My hope is to give us a start-up vocabulary that will ignite conversations and move us to a place of better understanding and greater compassion for ourselves and for each other. My intent is to move us to a place of healing and wholeness by playing Pin the Name on the Nemesis! Some cultures and religions refuse to invoke the Almighty by name because the Almighty is too large, too expansive, too awesome to capture in a name. There is power in the ability to name something or someone. So why are we giving away our power to our unnamed enemies? If I don't call it depression, I can't treat the depression. If I don't call it bullying, I can't treat the symptoms and stop the bullying. If I don't call it sin, then I can't and won't repent! If I don't call it forgiveness, I can't accept it or extend it. The ability to name is the ability to have some power over a thing or situation. My intent is to help us find words for those things in our lives which once left us speechless and paralyzed.
I can clearly remember my experience in the Cultural Hermeneutics course at Princeton Seminary. I can remember sitting in the front of the cold lecture hall week after week and wiping tears away while trying to take notes at the same time. I remember the overwhelming feeling of relief that washed over me as I heard my professors soothing my raw emotions with their well chosen words. I remember the shock that accompanied the realization that people had actually done research and written volumes on these untamed notions which had been taunting me for so long. I remember apologizing to my professors for my weekly weeping during class and more importantly, I remember each of them reassuring me and letting me know that I was 'okay' but I had to be mindful of these strong feelings when I left the hallowed halls of academia and went out to "do ministry." I was not the first, nor would I be the last to react so strongly to what had been unnoticed and unnamed in my life for so long. These feelings were not unique to me but were more common than I ever imagined and now that I was armed with new tools, I had to join the fight to Name and Disarm the Nemesis! Dr. Blount and Dr. Taylor put my feelings into an intellectual arena which provided me with the opportunity to reflect on, argue with, engage and NAME those same old feelings. These bold professors gave those feelings a shape and an identity so that they could live or die - having a full life cycle instead of a period of vague anonymity. Naming those feelings took the venom out of them. Naming those feelings shifted the control into my hands and I was no longer at the mercy of some vague notions. I was better equipped to deal with the specific issues that generated the feelings. (Issues like but not limited to..racism, sexism, ageism, narrow biblical interpretation, abuse of authority, etc.) The work of wrestling with those huge issues was not easy but it was much easier to do the work when I knew what I was working with - or working against as the case may have been.
Once I knew that I was battling specific definable issues and not vague unnamed feelings, I began the process of doing the work. The most immediate task came in the form of coauthoring a paper with a brilliant classmate. Together, we wrote a paper entitled, "The Community of the Concubine" which explored the experiences of women in the church who had been sexually abused. We shared both laughter and tears while researching and writing that paper. We found comfort in knowing that we were not alone in our search to find meaning in the scriptures - not as inquisitive seminarians, but as 'women with a past'. We found ways to challenge each other to read and preach with integrity in light of our personal experiences. We found research that reminded us that the silence which once protected us did not serve us any longer. We found a way to break free from the bonds of shame, misplaced guilt, and fear in order to fulfill the scripture that we used as a basis for our paper, "Consider it, confer and speak up." (Judges 19:23-30) We found a lifelong friendship in our ability to take back our power with our ability to Pin the Name on our Nemesis. (Thank you E, for being my friend and my brilliant co-creator!) We accepted the call to consider, confer and confess. Here in this blog, I will continue to answer the call...
For those who cannot speak, I must.
For those who cannot write, I must.
For those who cannot fight, I must.
For those who are not free, I must.
For those who have empowered me, I will.
For those who depend on me, I am!
Shalom!
(PS - There will be another post soon! I am trying to get back on schedule!)
