Today is one of those days when I wish that I had been created with a hard candy coating like one of my favorite candies. Today I am emotionally drained. Today, the heat of life is changing my physical appearance and I am losing my shape and my edges. I am left feeling like a soft puddle of chocolate that still has the same essence and taste but needs to be reshaped - by hand, if you please. Today, I long for a hard candy shell that would protect my sweet insides from a child's hot little hand. Life, like this happy child, holds me in her pudgy, sweaty palm and while the color drains from my outside, there is still some protection for my malleable and soon-to-be-devoured insides.
That candy coating is sweet and though delicate, still tough enough to provide a source of protection for the sweet chocolate goodness on the inside. Sometimes, the candy coating will crack or chip, but the chocolate held inside still finds a place to hold its shape until the moment comes when it too, shall be devoured. Like the chocolate candy, I know that there are times when I will be devoured by the work of living a life of faith, love and hope. That thin candy coating delays the inevitable if only for a brief moment.
I think that our friends and loved ones are well worth what we pour out for them and pour into them. I think that we are all called to invest deeply and carefully in each other's lives from time to time. We are called to be sweet to one another. We are called to love one another. We are called to comfort one another. We are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and not in the image of chocolate encased in a thin candy coating. I thought about working on ways to simultaneously give my heart and guard my heart but then I realized that the hard candy shell would defeat the purpose and process of unconditional love. It's easy to love those who are guaranteed to give back all that we give to them. One of the authentic marks of love is when it is freely given with no expectation of reciprocity. (I did express that it is one of the authentic marks, not the one that FEELS good all of the time!) So, I have decided to trust God with my naked heart. My heart which is and has been broken more often than I care to tell. My heart that beats in tandem with those who mourn and with those who rejoice. My heart which makes room for those who seem least likely to be lovable - against the advice of my brain, by the way! My heart...the soft chocolatey inside without the guardianship of a hard candy shell.
Given the opportunity to think, reflect, and return to myself, I have found that I do not wish for a mere candy coating which is subject to crack, dissolve, and also be devoured. What I desire...no, what I will do is trust that I am indeed covered with more than a thin candy coating. I am covered, protected, guided, and loved by something much bigger than anything made by a candy company. It is this covering that allows me to love freely and fully - even to the point of feeling drained...because there is a place of restoration and return on the love invested in others.
How can I cover you today?? I will not cover you with a thin layer of sweet colorful candy. I will cover you in my heartfelt prayers and ask God to keep you covered...as the old folks would say - 'through dangers seen and unseen'! For my friends who are going through a tough time right now and are longing for some kind of covering over your delicate heart...here is a song - and the guarantee of my prayers for you! The sing-er asks the pray-er to cover him...My response is to ask God to cover you!
Shalom -
"Remember to cover me / that i might go in peace Remember to keep me lifted / that i might go in spirit Keep my name on your lips / When you pray remember this: I need you to cover me"
Today, October 15th is Blog Action Day.
What does that mean?
That simply means that bloggers from across the globe are writing about one issue and this year's issue is water. I can remember the elementary school lessons that cautioned us about wasting water. Turn off the faucet while you brush your teeth. Take shorter showers. Don't run the dishwasher or washing machine unless there is a full load. All of these lessons were designed to encourage us to be mindful of our tendencies to waste this precious resource.
In America, we buy filters and bottled water...because we can! We turn on a faucet and expect water to flow freely. We take long hot showers and at worst are inconvenienced when a family member gets in the shower first and uses all of the hot water. (Although, if we wait long enough, the hot water heater will make another hot shower possible.)We wash dishes in water that is so hot that we need gloves or burn cream. We pour water for our pets and some of us even use bottled water for Fido and Mittens. We own fish tanks that can hold more water than some people have access to for bathing. In other countries, people...in particular, Colored Girls...walk for miles to acquire water for their families. I get upset when I have to carry a heavy pallet of bottled water into the house and I become indignant when that same bottled water is not on sale at my favorite grocery store. Thinking about my sisters around the globe puts my indignation in check rather quickly. While I am grumbling along the fifty feet from my car to my front door, they are walking for miles in all manner of weather conditions because a heavy pallet of bottled water is not an option. There is no luxury; there is simply survival.
This week, a friend posted a song on Facebook that called me to remember my baptism. I did remember that luxurious baptism in a heated pool in a Baptist Church in northern New Jersey. I thought of the many happy people who gave me the opportunity to place my hands over theirs as they prepared to confess their faith and be submerged in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. I thought of the deacons who made sure that the pool was sanitary and the room was warm and humid enough to cause a Black woman's hair to frizz hard enough to push her church hat right off of her head! I thought of the joy that consumes us on the day that we are baptized in clean, warm water and then I also thought of the pilgrims who travel to the Ganges for a spiritual cleansing in water that is considered the dirtiest in the world. I wonder if I would have been so happy on the day of my baptism if the water had been brown and muddy. I wonder if I would have been as happy for them to "take me to the water" if I couldn't see the bottom of the pool. I wonder...do we sanitize more than the pool and the water with our processes? (My OCD tendencies are okay with the chlorinated water, but I still wonder...)
Water is key to our survival as human and spiritual beings. It's funny to me that although many of us have access to this key element, we are still thirsty. We are dying of thirst and there is no relief in sight. We are holding supersized cups full of so-called energy drinks, and yet we are still dying of thirst and too tired to move. We have access to living waters, and yet we find ourselves chapped, parched, and desolate inside.
Today, I pray that we will be moved to seek that water that satisfies the soul. I pray that we will abandon our filters, our bottles, our designer, mineral, and otherwise overpriced water that does not satisfy. I pray that we will reconsider that which satisfies and pour some out for someone who also needs a sip. I pray that we would teach our children to be mindful of how they use water as a natural resource, but I also pray that we would teach our children to seek, find, and drink from the Living Waters that satisfy the soul.
Shalom!
Living Water is readily available to all of us. Let's work to make clean water equally available...
Just for fun, here's a list of things to do when you're unemployed!
"They" say that you cannot catch up on missed sleep…clearly, "they" didn’t try hard enough! In the early stages of unemployment, you probably need to give your body a little extra loving kindness by way of waking without alarm clocks (unless the kids need your help to get to the bus on time) and mid day naps. You know your body, so if sleep calls…you must answer. The key is to know when to call it quits and go back to a schedule of bedtime and wake time. Unless you have a trust fund or a spouse with unlimited resources, you will probably have to return to a schedule when you return to work, so don’t make it harder on yourself than it needs to be. It's called a nap, not a coma!
Visit some places that you would not ordinarily have time to visit. Check out the sights in your area. Botanical Gardens, museums, art galleries, and the like. Read the Sunday paper and see what’s happening in your neighborhood.I attended book signings and poetry readings and live jazz performances that I might not have even noticed had I been working. I was also better able to enjoy these events because there were no distracting thoughts of work to steal my joy. Get out and soak up the free stuff!(Avoid places like car dealerships, malls, expensive spas and nail salons –unless you have a gift card or some other equally useful hook-up. These are places which are specifically designed to make you spend what you don’t have. Why tempt fate when you can play for free?)
Now, about that television thing…be careful because it can be both a comfortable friend and a seductive lover. For the sake of personal restoration, I am in favor of an all day marathon of Season 6 of Gray’s Anatomy, House M.D., Law and Order or your show of choice. Once I get the details of the storyline, I’m good to go. (Go as in go somewhere that is nowhere near the television!) If I watch the daily installments of said television shows, I give control of my time and schedule to the network instead of keeping it for myself.Go on and splurge on the cheapest Netflix subscription so that you can schedule your marathon to suit your schedule. Then, return the videos and return to something productive!
Perfect one of the staples in your cooking repertoire! I like rice and can eat rice with almost any meal. When I worked, I would use the boil in bag kind and call it a night (I am so ashamed)…mostly because I was not secure in my rice cooking skills. Now, I can make an excellent pot of West Indian “cook-up-rice” (rice that has every item in the fridge including leftover chicken, beans or peas and the ever temperamental coconut milk) at the drop of a hat. Now, I no longer mess up a great gourmet meal with below average rice on the side! You're thinking rice? Really? Yes, I am the child of southerners and I LIKE RICE. I like white rice, brown rice, yellow rice, Spanish rice, wild rice, tame rice, black rice, long grain rice...shoot, I even like Rice A Roni! (Moving on now that I'm beginning to sound like Bubba Blue from Forrest Gump)
Review your job skills. Take an on-line assessment or two. Pretend that you are actually at work, and keep reading the journals, try something new, find a free seminar or wrangle a scholarship for one with a fee. Stay sharp and carve out time to make it happen. Stay on top of your game so that you can mention it in the interview that is coming your way sooner than you think! Ask yourself...would YOU hire YOU...why or why not?
Have lunch with the friends you have been missing. You won't be stressed about getting back to work, so you will be a great lunch companion. (But be sensitive to the constraints of your lunch partner - who DOES have a job…no need to be obnoxious about not having a 1:00 appointment!) Schedule these carefully so that you do not upset the delicate balance of money and fun. (And don't assume that just because they have a job that they should pay for your meal! Come prepared to at least go Dutch! Sheesh! We're unemployed not uncouth!)
Revisit and revise your budget. No one knows how long the season of unemployment will last, so you need to prepare yourself for the potential changes in your lifestyle. Decide now what you are willing to forgo for the good of the bank account. You can keep the high priced phone plan that includes internet service, but do you really need all of those cable channels? This is a personal matter but now that I have unlimited time, I have found ways to move money around and re-evaluate the ways in which I spend. And it helps if you cancel your catalogs or take them directly from the mailbox to the recycling bin. I do love Brooks Brothers but I cannot bear to know that my favorite non-iron shirt is on sale and I cannot order one! (Oh the agony of fiscal responsibility!)
Don’t get caught up in satiety purchases. I can EASILY spend $50 on magazines in one trip to Barnes and Noble. The county library has most of these magazines but it requires that I sacrifice the comfort of reading on my couch for cost-free reading at the library. These days, you can just read them in the bookstore coffee shop if you prefer - but that's just too tempting for me. My true friends have blessed me with Starbucks gift cards and their "Buy 15 - get one free" coupons so that I can maintain my addiction...umm, I mean appreciation of the coffee of the day, the decaf-breve-white mocha, and passion tea lemonade. (I can quit any time I want to...but I don't have to!)
Volunteer! It's easy enough. First, think of all of the skills and gifts that you have…are you thinking? Now, think of a great place to put them to use! Recently, I volunteered to work a registration table for a church function. I only knew four people when I arrived at my duty station, but at the end of the day, I had smiled at, chatted with, and assisted hundreds more! (And I wore my big girl church clothes – which was its own reward!) Volunteering helps you to use your gifts for good and it helps others who may need to get something done. Being productive is a good deterrent to the demons that surface during the wee hours when the rejection letters and silent response rejections pour in faster than you can counter with your efforts to 'keep trying'.
Dig into your spirituality! Meditate, pray, write, read, create, burn incense…do something but do it with greater depth, meaning, love and joy! Who knows, this might lead you to an awareness of what your true calling is! There is also the comfort in knowing that there is a divine force that is waiting to commune with you - in hard times as well as easy times.
Go to the doctor before your insurance runs out...and get cleared to go to the gym or to work out at home in front of the television. Remember how you wanted to get in shape but didn’t have the time? Well, now you have plenty of time and you’ll want to be in top shape for the hard work of job hunting! If the saying is true, and it's not what you know but who you know...you just might meet your new co-worker, business partner, or employer on the next treadmill!
Finally, but not exhaustively, remember that searching for a job is a job in itself. Set aside blocks of time specifically dedicated to the hunt. It will take some time to do those on line applications, so be prepared. Take your laptop to Starbucks (or McDonalds, or Borders, or wherever you are most comfortable), appreciate the free Wi-Fi and get busy for no less than 3 hours each weekday. No laptop you say? The library awaits...and it's FREE! You would (probably) be at work for at least 8 hours on a regular day, so don’t get out of the habit of working for specific blocks of time. And of course, after a week of serious and dedicated job hunting, feel free to treat yourself to a drink and an appetizer at your favorite happy hour spot!
May you find Grace and Peace in your season of unemployment.
You could have settled anywhere
But you chose to nurse at my breast
The left one
Near my heart
Bastard
Created by co-mingling
Not from co-mmitment
Nestled inside me
Cells of my cells
Flesh of my flesh
Forcing feedings
Round the clock
Growing
Growing
Growing
No one dares stroke the womb
The warm womb that feeds you
As your mother, I should warn you
My body knows how to miscarry
Perhaps - even you -
My bastard clump of splitting cells
Nursing at my breast
The left one
Closest to my heart
One year ago today, (October 2, 2009) I walked away from an awful car accident. I was neither texting nor talking on a cell phone when it happened. I simply ran into the back of the minivan in front of me. I had just left the place which would come to be listed on job applications as my most recent (former) place of employment and I was on my way to what would have been my last doctor appointment while covered by health insurance. All I know is that I looked up and suddenly found myself behind the wheel of a car that was hurtling into the stationary minivan in front of me. I escaped the accident with only a minor scratch inflicted by the force of the seat belt against my breast cancer awareness lapel pin and the bruises from the lap portion of my seatbelt.
There were all manner of conclusions drawn from this event. My personal favorite is the ever-churchy-but-not-always-useful "Maybe God is trying to tell you something." In my long history of less than careful driving, God could have told me something about my driving through the oracle of a car crash long ago. No, this crash was the beginning of a new story and not a hint of the old one. If not for the car crash and the other situations which also crashed and burned on every side...I might not be...here. (Anybody got a GPS I can borrow because I'm still not really sure where here is!) The surrounding flames included the death of a bad marriage, the loss of a church 'family' (connected to the drama of the divorce), and the sobering revelation that several of my friendships lacked a certain level of reciprocity.
I woke up on the anniversary of the crash in what can best be described as a "pissy" mood. And that's really saying something because I have an extensive vocabulary but "pissy" is the most accurate word I can find. You see, one year later, I am again wondering what I will do for transportation since my current vehicle is sitting in front of my home - unable to get into gear. (Not because I crashed into something but because it has just crashed and burned on its own. God rest the dead.) The good news is that I am still a card carrying member of the Congregation of the Talented Yet Unemployed, so lack of transportation will not keep me from getting to work. I can always walk the mile down the street to the grocery store, so I won't starve and there are the three faithful sister-friends who have already offered to take me to the store if I need anything. I will remain faithful to my commitment to avoid using my blog as a venue for whining and will point you in the general direction of my "pissiness" which is not uniquely relegated to me. Bear with me as I show you the view through my cracked, scratched, dirt-caked yet still rose-tinted glasses.
On this, the anniversary of what I thought was a new era in my life, I am frustrated and downright angry because despite the encouragement of my friends and others who know my work, I still have not found a job. Of course, I have been accused of being over-qualified (and I ask, in this age of celebrated mediocrity, what exactly is the working definition for over-qualified these days?). I have been accused of applying for jobs that will indicate that I have somehow settled for something that is beneath me. Last time I checked, the only thing beneath me was the ground. As my father once told me, I like to eat too much to think that there is a job that is beneath me. I will scrub a toilet for the privilege of buying fresh fruits and vegetables at Whole Foods and the local farmer's market. What I do feel is cheated. As an American, I feel entitled to certain 'rewards'. With the debt that I have accumulated as a student, I feel entitled to a job that will at least allow me to use that education in a venue which will also permit me to live comfortably. (Just so we are clear, now is NOT the time for ye olde Bible thumpers to remind me of heavenly rewards. The only way to reap heavenly rewards it to die and go to heaven...so, I'm not trying to hear that right now.) I am painfully aware, as are many in my same socio-and-economic position, that these comments are couched in a certain level of privilege...so please don't think that I have forgotten my station. I am simply trying to point out that there are many like me who have followed the rules and are wondering why it feels like it would have been better to have played the lottery or at least to play dirty from time to time. Some of us believe that if you do what you love, the money will come but that has not been true for me. I loved teaching, but not only did the money not come, I also had to invest what I had in my students - in the form of school supplies, food, supplemental texts, etc. I love ministry and preaching...but...err..ah...yeah, let's just put that one on the shelf for another day because as you know, it's complicated!
On this, the anniversary of the accident, I am in a "pissy" mood because there are those who are not willing to merely listen to the rant of the (relatively) disenfranchised and would prefer that we just keep looking for a new job, a new mate, a new church or other suitable replacement for whatever we have lost...and just get over it. Ah, that's the nerve I wanted to touch. Get over it? Have we become such a selfish and cold-hearted society that our only response to pain (regardless of our unqualified assessment of someone else's pain) is 'get over it'? I am by no means advocating for wallowing in our sorrows, but I am asking us to stop stealing grief from one another. Your friends and family members may be dealing with repeated rejection (in and out of the job market), feelings of low self-worth (connected to an inability to provide for themselves or their loved ones), deep-seated heartbreak (embedded in the inability to live in the fullness of their sexual identity), and spiritual psychoses (you're not really looking for a parenthetical comment here, are you?).
On this, the anniversary of the accident, I had a liberating conversation with a brilliant and caring sister who reminded me that this blog can tell the 'good news' without sounding particularly happy. She reminded me that the mere ability to identify and tell the truth of my experience is in and of itself the good news. So, on my anniversary, I am not having a pity party. I am, however, celebrating the truth in all of its ugliness and all of its beauty. In my "pissy" state of mind, I am able to sit with the truth and see it without the aid of my rose-tinted corrective lenses. I don't need to fix, change, or struggle against it because it is not a static reality or the final and only reality. It is merely today's reality.
Shalom!
Yes, I could have chosen the straight Beyonce version, but this is my kind of smashing - if only into myself!
