First of all, I cannot believe that I have not posted since July! Please forgive me. I shall do better going forward.
This is an entry I wrote at the beginning of the school year but I just did not feel ready to post it. I'm over it...here goes...
When people really grasp what my week actually looks like in terms of where my time goes, most of them shake their heads and gasp, "I don't know how you do it!"
I respond, "I don't know any other way to do it." There are choices that I have made along the way (which have been judged and forgiven already, so no need to rehash those here) and as a result, this is the life that I am living. This life includes an extremely long commute to a job that requires every ounce of my attention and energy. Some would not survive the commute. Others would not survive the job. The two combined on a daily basis are not child's play. When friends see my 4:30 am postings on Facebook, they whisper the prayer, "I don't know how you do it (and thank God I don't have to)!"
There are sacrifices we all make in the name of something and every yes to one thing is a loud NO to something else. One of the perks of this lifestyle is that it forces me to be crystal clear about my priorities. What things are important enough to take up whatever 'spare' time I may have? To the chagrin of my friends, these times are few and far between and often times, friends will ask (almost begging) me to make 'other arrangements' so that I can spend time with them. What we all forget from time to time as it pertains to other people's lives is that there is a butterfly effect that happens whenever we make a decision or choice. Changing one aspect of the present situation may have a huge and unforeseen impact on all of the pieces in the future.
I must also be a diligent watchdog of my own self-care habits. While it may serve others for me to go out on a Friday or Saturday night, the cost to my body is not worth it. Working to the point of exhaustion on a daily basis will make you reassess what things are worthy of your time. That is not to suggest that my friends are 'not worthy' of my time in some grand scheme of things but those who are my closest friends know that I don't love them any less just because I can't get out to play as often as I'd like.
This, of course leads to another issue that I face more often than I planned. It is very hard to build new relationships with people who think you are always blowing them off. It is a constant challenge to find the time required to love on someone who needs lots of face time. (Someone like a 14 year old girl who looks a lot like both of her parents.) It is also a challenge to find someone who can...well...love and be loved by me when all I know with any certainty is that I have time for deep and meaningful, albeit brief, conversations but that whole dating game looks very different for me. (Talk about priorities! This life will make you realize just how much of a luxury it is to have the TIME to flirt effectively!) I would love to hold hands and stroll in the park gazing into his eyes, but for real, I have papers to grade, lessons to plan, food to cook and laundry to wash. I do not have time for guessing games and the foolishness that passes for dating these days.
Another area of sacrifice is church. Bible study used to be the center of my week. It was a time to see the folks I didn't see except on Sunday and hug a few necks and slip in a few extra prayers with people. Some nights, I don't get off of the train in time to make it to Bible Study and other nights, I carry so much work home that I am not able to spare the 90 minutes that Bible Study asks of my week. The same is true for visiting other churches. I like to hear my colleagues preach and I am grateful for the podcasts and streaming services because some days I do not have the time for the commute, let alone for the service itself! So, I keep my commitments close to home and enjoy my own church family as much as I can on Sundays.
Some would suggest that I need to manage my time a little better. In this world where there's an app for everything, we still have to live our lives one moment at a time whether well planned or not. Everything cannot be farmed out nor should it be and even if I had a personal assistant, unless she could manipulate time itself, even that might not be enough. But I do give thanks for the speech to text software that has blessed my writing life! If only I could dictate dinner into the oven on my way home. Alas, some tasks must be done by hand.
They say, "I don't know how you do it!" Many of these are my overachieving friends whose lives make me wonder the same thing! They pastor and they parent and they spouse (Yes, that's a verb in case you were wondering), they work out, they work late, they coordinate outfits and accessories and shoes and shop at the same time! I don't know how you do it either. We all make choices that we must live with. I love teaching and I always choose school districts where resources are few and needs are great. I know what I'm getting into when I sign the paperwork in the Human Resources department. My reward is not always in the paycheck. Sure, there are days when I want to scream because it seems as if no one sees or notices my grand sacrifices and there are days when I wish that I were coming home to a wonderful husband, a dozen roses and a bubble bath instead of incomplete homework and a kitchen sink full of dishes that says, "a teenager was here!". There are times when I cry out to God and ask, "You couldn't find anybody else to do this?" And I hear the first few words of the answer, "to whom much is given..." and I realize that though my life represents a series of choices, I do these things because I can. I do this because I must. I do this because I have been blessed to be a blessing and as my life plays out, this is what it looks like right now. I may complain about the cost of my commute, but that is a luxury. I complain about my car, but that is a luxury. I complain when the subway is delayed by a whole 5 minutes...luxury! I complain that my clothes do not fit as I'd like them to but I have clothes to wear...clean clothes...nice clothes...LUXURY! I am painfully aware that there are parts of the world in which women still cannot wash clothes because there is no clean water. I am aware that there are parts of the world in which more than one article of clothing is a blessing. I am aware that though I complained about leaving a lovely pair of designer shoes on the train, there are women in the world (many in these United States) who walk barefoot on behalf of their children. These women have no healthcare. These women have none of the benefits which are the subject of my complaints and yet they do it...every day. With them in mind and choices on the table, I do it like people of faith have done it for centuries.
I do it by the grace of God!
So, I am asking those who know about the grace of God to keep me in your prayers!
Shalom!
