Today is the first day of 2012 and I am just glad to be here! I am also working on my commitment to write one entry each month! (Reminders and encouragement are welcomed!)
I named this blog for the tremendous impact that Ntozake Shange's Choreopoem had on my life. Little did I know that it would take me on a journey through my own battle with depression. Little did I know that so many of my friends and loved ones were on the same journey and needed me to speak for all of us. Today's blog entry "OVER the Rainbow" is more of a testimony than a title. Please don't think that I took a pill (every day at the same time for several months) and the depression magically disappeared. No, silly, it was and is not that easy...and don't you forget it when you're trying to love on those of us who often suffer in silence and solitude. It's a long, arduous process...more like a battle that just never seems to end though it may die down into what feels like a cease fire sometimes, depression always comes back well rested and well armed.
On December 20, 2011, I was on my way to work and felt a sudden and overwhelming grief and sadness. I wept in my car and on the train and could not figure out why. My life had turned around in miraculous ways. I was no longer holding my breath in anticipaiton of an unemployment check. (Now, I anticipate my direct deposit from my employer! *insert crazy praise here*) My daughter was no longer struggling as she once had in middle school. I had found a place to worship and call 'home'. So, where did this grief come from? The body remembers...
On December 18, 2010, I wrote a blog entry that was my confession of having considered suicide...because the rainbow had indeed been 'enuf'. As I tried to work through my tears and sadness, I realized that I had actually almost taken my life a year ago. I realized that I was my enemy's best weapon...for my demise. Depression had seduced me to the point of deepest intimacy and I had the perfect opportunity to consummate our relationship. I was weeping because I realized that instead of fluffing the winter blankets for my bed, my parents might have been buying a grave blanket this Christmas. Let's be clear, those who know me...really know me...already know that I have perfectionist proclivities. I was not trying to be bruised, maimed, or disabled. I was shooting for "Lazarus before Jesus arrived" dead. I researched the methods. I checked the doses. I put my affairs in order. I was not waiting for or clinging to the hope and promise of the rainbow. All I wanted was to be released from the pain that I felt in my mind, heart, and body. I prayed for forgiveness the thoughts and the premeditation of it all. As a Christian and especially as clergy, I was supposed to be seeking the Kingdom of Heaven and all I wanted to do was hide!
Many who know my 'ridiculously joyful side' find this to be incredible hyperbole but for the sake of those who are suffering and unseen, I have to tell you my story again and again until you hear me. You may have someone like me in your home. You may have someone like me in your life. You may have someone like me in your heart. You may have someone like me in your congregation, on your job, in your carpool, in your child, in places that you would never imagine. For the sake of the silent ones, I need for you to realize that there is a place like this where many of us congregate...but it's not joyful, it's in lonliness and seclusion. Shange's poem was and is for those Colored Girls like me. The rainbow was enuf.
But...
By the GRACE of God I'm still here, so...
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep writing.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep praying.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep loving.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep watch over them.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep LIVING!
I'm extending my hand to help Colored Girls make it OVER the Rainbow!
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is peace here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is love here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is healing here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is life here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is laughter here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is joy here!
I am OVER the Rainbow and GOD is here!
Some of you are going to thank God for a new year and another chance.
Today, I am thanking God for bringing me and others like me OVER the Rainbow!
Shalom!