I named this blog for the tremendous impact that Ntozake Shange's Choreopoem had on my life. Little did I know that it would take me on a journey through my own battle with depression. Little did I know that so many of my friends and loved ones were on the same journey and needed me to speak for all of us. Today's blog entry "OVER the Rainbow" is more of a testimony than a title. Please don't think that I took a pill (every day at the same time for several months) and the depression magically disappeared. No, silly, it was and is not that easy...and don't you forget it when you're trying to love on those of us who often suffer in silence and solitude. It's a long, arduous process...more like a battle that just never seems to end though it may die down into what feels like a cease fire sometimes, depression always comes back well rested and well armed.
On December 20, 2011, I was on my way to work and felt a sudden and overwhelming grief and sadness. I wept in my car and on the train and could not figure out why. My life had turned around in miraculous ways. I was no longer holding my breath in anticipaiton of an unemployment check. (Now, I anticipate my direct deposit from my employer! *insert crazy praise here*) My daughter was no longer struggling as she once had in middle school. I had found a place to worship and call 'home'. So, where did this grief come from? The body remembers...
On December 18, 2010, I wrote a blog entry that was my confession of having considered suicide...because the rainbow had indeed been 'enuf'. As I tried to work through my tears and sadness, I realized that I had actually almost taken my life a year ago. I realized that I was my enemy's best weapon...for my demise. Depression had seduced me to the point of deepest intimacy and I had the perfect opportunity to consummate our relationship. I was weeping because I realized that instead of fluffing the winter blankets for my bed, my parents might have been buying a grave blanket this Christmas. Let's be clear, those who know me...really know me...already know that I have perfectionist proclivities. I was not trying to be bruised, maimed, or disabled. I was shooting for "Lazarus before Jesus arrived" dead. I researched the methods. I checked the doses. I put my affairs in order. I was not waiting for or clinging to the hope and promise of the rainbow. All I wanted was to be released from the pain that I felt in my mind, heart, and body. I prayed for forgiveness the thoughts and the premeditation of it all. As a Christian and especially as clergy, I was supposed to be seeking the Kingdom of Heaven and all I wanted to do was hide!
Many who know my 'ridiculously joyful side' find this to be incredible hyperbole but for the sake of those who are suffering and unseen, I have to tell you my story again and again until you hear me. You may have someone like me in your home. You may have someone like me in your life. You may have someone like me in your heart. You may have someone like me in your congregation, on your job, in your carpool, in your child, in places that you would never imagine. For the sake of the silent ones, I need for you to realize that there is a place like this where many of us congregate...but it's not joyful, it's in lonliness and seclusion. Shange's poem was and is for those Colored Girls like me. The rainbow was enuf.
But...
By the GRACE of God I'm still here, so...
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep writing.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep praying.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep loving.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep watch over them.
Until Colored Girls stop considering suicide,
I'm going to keep LIVING!
I'm extending my hand to help Colored Girls make it OVER the Rainbow!
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is peace here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is love here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is healing here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is life here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is laughter here.
I am OVER the Rainbow and there is joy here!
I am OVER the Rainbow and GOD is here!
Some of you are going to thank God for a new year and another chance.
Today, I am thanking God for bringing me and others like me OVER the Rainbow!
Shalom!
Miss Jones,
ReplyDeleteI can not begin to tell you the magnitude of what you have shared here. There are many of us that make it (Life) look so easy when deep inside we are empty, hopeless, and feel useless. Surprisingly enough even those of us that know who God is. There are countless numbers of strong and beautiful sister-girls that hide behind masks daily. We hope and we pray that we can hold on until something gives or someone comes to change the game. When did our strength become a trap? When did neck rolling and finger snapping become the sign that she has it all together? We are really just hiding behind the pain, disappointment, self hatred, and deep insecurities that slowly developed in our youth as we listen to what we are supposed to be and are scolded for not being what others believe we should be. For many of us it began when no one sat us on their knee and told us how beautiful and important we were. That we were made in the image and likeness of God. That we didn't have to settle for someone else's version of us! That who God made us was just fine, even better, he made us extraordinary! Who gave us our images, our models, or our molds to step into ? When did we decide that it was ok to be in a lesser role on the inside but, strong a superwoman on the outside. It seems that everyone else gets what they need except us. When did settling become the standard? Yes my dear, depression has many vehicles with which to become a part of our lives. It finds us young and vulnerable often unaware that we are feeling a depth of sadness. So I thank you for your fight, for not giving in and for sharing what must have taken all the strength that you have to share such an intimate portrait of a private battle. I honor the courage it takes to let others know that you, like the rest of us, don't know everything and that we are not as strong as everyone else would like us to be. I pray that God will continue to keep you in his grace and allow the words from your heart to usher in your own healing as well as that of others who read them.