Prayers from the Edge

Today I am writing from a place of realization, recognition and repentance. It is a place that I will describe as the “edge”.  The edge of what? Could be the edge of my sanity. Could be the edge of a breakthrough. Could be the edge of my anger or the edge of my patience.  All I know is that I am on the edge of something and this narrow place has a dangerous air about it. One false move and the edge becomes razor sharp and slices me with the clean cut of a surgeon’s scalpel. One right move and the edge leads to the plateau where I can relax for a moment as I work my way to its edge as well where the cycle will repeat itself because there is always another edge…

In the process of being moved to the “edge” I have learned a few things about myself that I want to share with you. If they are peculiar to my life, then pray for me but if they sound remotely familiar, then I invite you to pray with me.

Deliver me from entitlement.  The view from the edge includes a mirror that reflects back to me the ugly entitlement that robs me of my joy. My pastors are in the midst of a sermon series on giving and as I listen with some sense of smug self-satisfaction (because I am just so generous in my own eyes), I am also reminded that much of my anger and resentment comes from the expectation that I am supposed to get an immediate return on my giving. I tithe but admittedly with some hesitation as I calculate how much money I will have left on the week that I pay rent and tithe.  I feel entitled to a life in which I can write checks without having to do quick math to make sure that there’s enough left over for food and gas for the week.  I feel entitled to some relief because of the ‘sacrifices’ I make. But I tend to forget that there are small graces each day that money can’t buy and there are ‘sacrifices’ that I have never had to make. At the edge, I am forced to remember that giving is not about what you get back but rather, it is about what is in your heart when you decide to give. Either do something for someone because you love the person or just keep your little 'gift' and attitude.  For me, it is about remembering that if indeed, ‘my cup runneth over,’ I’m only ‘giving’ out of the overflow area and not from the bottom of the barrel like the widow did for the prophet. With that perspective, I ask God to deliver me from entitlement. Deliver me from self-centered concern and deliver me into a place where I can give freely because I am clear about the Source of any and all of my giving. Deliver me from holding people hostage in my mind as I remember what I have done for them…in their time of need.  (That’s what I’m supposed to do!) Deliver me from the expectation that there should be someone who gives to me like I give to others because that’s good logic and good math. Faith, love, and hope are not about logic or math. Deliver me from the narrowness of entitlement and into the largesse of Faith, Hope, and Love.

Deliver me from other people’s ICU areas. Everybody has flaws and areas for improvement. Some people, however, spread their contagious germs of negativity everywhere they go and should probably come with a spiritual CDC warning label.  The trouble with communicable diseases is that we often come into contact with them and don’t realize we’ve been infected until we see the symptoms and by then, it’s too late.  By then, the germs have made a home within us and have mutated into a unique strain that resists treatment.  From the edge, I find that I must pray to remember who I am despite the company I am in.  It is endlessly frustrating, not to mention futile, to try to change other people into what we think they should be. So, from the edge, I shift from victim to visitor. The other person is no less in need of ICU care but I will not be a roommate in someone else’s ICU. I will don the appropriate protective gear and come and go as needed.  So with hospital scrubs and a mask, I pray that God would deliver me from other people’s ICUs.  Deliver me from a weak immune system that is susceptible to other people’s illnesses and deliver me into a place of prayer and faith and good spiritual health.  Deliver me from the trap of thinking that being in the same physical location means being on one accord.  Oh, and deliver me from the desire to be the Potter when I am really just a lump of clay. I can’t fix broken people but I don’t have to smash myself up just to be in their presence either. So, deliver me from becoming caught up in other people's illnesses...and deliver me into a space of self care so that I don't become a carrier of the same poisons.

Deliver me from my own attachments. Lord have mercy. This one is related to the first one, I suppose. I recently left a FAVORITE pair of shoes on the train because I was too exhausted to remember to pick them up when I arrived at my stop. I am not a clotheshorse or a shoe fanatic but this was my 'go to shoe'.  I was seriously grieving these shoes for days. Why? Because they represented something to me. Those were my ‘big-girl’ shoes. Those were my interview shoes. Those were my church shoes. Those were my special birthday dinner shoes. Those were my public poetry reading shoes! Those shoes were 70% off!! But, what I realize from the edge is that those shoes cannot take me where I need to go. Ironically, I preached a sermon about being dressed for the occasion and how women who want to serve God must have the right footwear for their calling.  Those shoes are for show and it appears that I need something more durable and stable for this piece of my journey.  As I wrestle with a sense of entitlement, I must also wrestle with my attachments. What must I give up to move from the edge to the plateau? Everyone and everything cannot make the journey and how much further along would I be if I would just lay aside these weights that so easily beset me? (Hebrews 12:1)  I lost my shoes but I still have my feet so I can still move forward. Deliver me from those things and people who cannot make the next leg of the journey with me.  And please deliver me from the heartache that accompanies the goodbyes.

Those are just a few of my prayers from the edge today.  Maybe something resonates with you and maybe you’ll just shake you head and say, “Help her Lord. She has issues!” Either way, I appreciate your stopping by to take this portion of the journey with me.  If you need me, I’ll be praying from the edge.

Until next time...Shalom!