Have you ever had the opportunity to grant someone your forgiveness? How did it feel? How long did it take to get there? What was the price you paid? What did you charge the other person? I'm wondering about these things because I am being stretched and grown in the process of forgiveness. So, let's set the tone, shall we?
As a Christian, I have been taught and I believe, that forgiveness is essential. There are endless quotes and quips about forgiveness but I wonder how much we really know about the art and act of forgiveness. As I walk along my own life's path, I am learning that there are weeds that I have watered which are choking out my ability to really forgive and be free from the bondage of unforgiveness. Jesus tells us to forgive seventy times seven and I may have quoted that in a sermon or two - but what most people (including myself) struggle with is HOW to forgive. Many bible studies have been peppered with questions like - "If you forgive, does that mean you forget?" What I want to know is when will we look at the anatomy of forgiveness? When will we see that the sharp and witty comments that we so easily spew out often speak of a seed of unforgiveness? When that seed meets the egg of our deepest hurt and most vulnerable self, the cells split and the thing grows and now, there's more to this thing than just forgetting what was done to you.
There is a very specific seed that has been planted and nourished in the warm confines of my heart's womb. The thing that I seek to abort is the lovechild of my divorce and my finances. Thoughtful optimists give me the platitudes and affirmations to put on my mirror and recite to myself every morning but there is a piece of my day to day reality that is missing. What you say to me is, "Oooh, girl. You need to let that go." But then when I can't go out with you because this thing has my money tied up, you shake your head and "help" me concoct ya plan for revenge. I don't need revenge. I need cat-like reflexes to help me move past the anger and resentment and move forward to the healing. I need to not have to open my checkbook to pay for yesterday instead of being able to save for my tomorrow. And that's where the biting sarcasm comes into play. Oh, I'll write the check and do the right thing, but I reserve the right to be angry, catty, sarcastic, bitter and whatever else I decide along the way. Now, I am sure that Jesus did not have this in mind as he calls us to forgive 70 times 7 but perhaps the 70 times 7 is about weeding out the entitlements. Maybe what the 70 times 7 is really about is the need to catch myself slipping into justifiable and quasi-righteous anger that manifests in my cruel words...which are received with laughter because that's how we treat these things. We laugh and pretend they don't hurt or that the speaker is really just being funny and not expressing something that is a very real part of his or her daily existence. How many times have I stopped to "do the right thing" and said, "See Jesus, I'm doing what you asked me to but this fool is not doing his part and it's not fair." What kind of prayer is that? Well, some days, it's the most honest one I have on the road to deliverance from my own evil. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make that paradigm shift from using passive aggressive sarcasm into speaking the truth and praying for God to actually bless the one who harmed me instead of the simple prayer, "Get em, Jesus!"It is very difficult but it is also do-able. Anything is possible if you get out of your own way.
By the grace of God, I am able to maintain a budget that allows me to afford today and yesterday. I can maintain my lovely middle class existence with relative ease. I can still tithe to my church and occasionally treat my colleagues to lunch. However, as my garden continues to grow and bloom, I must be ever vigilant against the weeds that crop up when I am not paying attention. How many is 70 x 7? 490. So, as I see it, I have at least 490 weeds to pull up out of my garden. Weeds of anger, resentment, bitterness, exhaustion, entitlement, sadness, longing, self-deprecation, violence (physical, spiritual, verbal - shoot, that's at least 250 right there!). As I don my gardening gloves and kneel down to tend to the garden, I am reminded that anyone can do right by someone who has done right by them. It takes a real leap of faith to do right by the one who has somehow earned your harbored unforgiveness. It takes faith to believe that God really does know what to do and is waiting to see if we are trusting enough. We are not called to hold grudges. We are called to hold our hands out to others and to hold our heads up and look to the hills for our strength. It will take me a minute to pray ever so sincerely for God to bless those who have despitefully used me but I must also humbly remember that this was modeled for me in the words, "While you were yet sinners, Christ died for you." I'm not being asked to die. I'm only being asked to forgive...and it won't kill me...but it will take me a minute because forgiveness is that work that always calls for overtime! But the reward is priceless!
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