Vertigo Schmertigo!

As December's days dwindle and the new year looms in the not so distant future, I have had time to consider 2012 and its many ups and downs (hey, that's funny when you consider that vertigo can take you from standing up straight to being flat on the floor...begging the room to stop spinning so violently). Vertigo is an attack on one's sense of balance. It can be caused by any number of things (including those which cannot be found with an MRI or an evil test that blows air into your ears to see how you react...but I digress). What I have found is that I spend an inordinate amount of time investing in other people's success and dreams and happiness. I have sacrificed time, money, and surely a few other things to make sure that others are able to pursue their dreams. Meanwhile, I am barely doing the minimum daily requirement to sustain my own artistic calling. I say that I am limited by my job and my motherhood duties but that's not accurate. I hide behind those things and rationalize that other people are a better and easier investment...when I know that is not necessarily true, just convenient. Thus, my output is not aligned with my intake and this leads to the imbalance that is vertigo's powerful stranglehold on my creativity.

So, with a self-diagnosis of vertigo as the result of an imbalance of time invested in other people compared to time invested in my own talents, I'm headed off into the new year with a continued and sharper focus on my writing. I have treated it like a hobby that comes after all of the more important things. Writing will now return to its rightful place among the most important things. For every reminder in my calendar that deals with other people's gifts, there will be one for my own gifts as well. Instead of simply reading other people's good writing, I will add my own to the mix and see what happens. I will accept the warm invitations into the venues where artists dwell, work, share, and live. I will become a part of the active artistic community instead of sitting on the voyeuristic sidelines. (Lord help me, I think I just realized that I stopped breathing two sentences ago!)

The prognosis is good. I will restore the balance in all of my life's accounts. Leaks and drains will be patched and plugged. Rips and tears will be stitched and mended. Old wineskins will be mounted on the wall in memoriam and the new wineskins will be carried close to my heart where they may be filled with new revelations waiting to be poured out. When the Spirit says, "Move!" I will move. When the Muse says, "Write that down!" I shall write that down. When the Sirens say, "do it later...listen to our song and drown it all out..." I'll put wax in my ears and sit down with a pen (or an iPad) and write until they get laryngitis from trying to break my concentration with their seductive song of "it's easier (and safer) to just enjoy other people's work".

The way I see it, the worst thing that can happen is that I'll litter cyberspace and the blogosphere with fits and starts that ramble on without ever say much of anything. The best thing that can happen is that...I might actually be good at this thing and someone's life will be touched, inspired, or changed. (And I may even have more time and money to pour into the others who are risking it all for the sake of their gifts and passions!)

If you are among the gifted (and I am certain that you are) I invite you to join me in the restoration of our balance and the pursuit of dreams and real happiness. (Or in the words of James Brown, "Get up offa that thang...and dance (or write, or employ whatever your gift is) until you feel bettah!"

Dear Jaha - letter to my baby-play-cousin

Dear Jaha,

You wrote that although it's called a free-write, nothing is ever free. That hit me right in that part of the chest where the muscles clench and it feels like what I imagine a heart attack feels like...for an elephant. I thought of my budget, my time, my talents, and my treasure and my heart tightened again. Writing is costing me more than I ever imagined. Today, it feels like the biggest expense has been my protective sheath. I feel so naked out here on this page and it's public, so today I feel like I would imagine I'd feel if an ex boyfriend posted private photos on the internet. But it's worse because I'm the one posting what I hope are tasteful nudes and not just crass personal porn. I want to write poetry and post my work but I'm not sure that I want to share that much of myself with the world when I've not found one human being to share myself with who can protect me from what everyone else might think or say as they ogle my words, feelings, emotions and soul. Some would say, "Get over yourself. It ain't that deep." (Those are the ones I suspect want to do this but are too afraid to do it and so they throw shade at the ones courageous enough to do it.) Today, I am just in that space of wanting to go deeper as I maintain the practice but I swear, I am shivering out here in the icy cold cyberspace where my words and work are on display for all to see.

Sigh...but that's the whole reason we do it, right? Somewhere, there is a woman who needs these words to express exactly how she is feeling. Somewhere, there is a woman who will stumble upon these words and exhale because she realizes that someone else feels the same way and put those feelings into the universe for the purpose of pairing up with hers. We give expression to what others are feeling because all of life is meant to be a shared experience...I guess. That's what community is all about, huh? You know what? I feel warmer all of a sudden. At my age, it could just be a hot flash, but I think your warm spirit just reached across the continent to bring mine a bit of warmth and peace. You are my baby-play-cousin on my Valerie's side and I am so grateful for you today. Thanks for making room for me and for handing me the blanket of courage that will allow me to go back into my room and write like there's no tomorrow...because it's a gift and a calling and a love offering.

Thank you, sis!
I love you!
Carla

Shalom

I Am Changing

     Perhaps you have seen the movie (or if you are old enough, the Broadway Musical featuring Sheryl Lee Ralph, Loretta Devine, Vondie Curtis-Hall and Obba Babatunde) featuring the song entitled "I Am Changing." Whether you experienced this powerful song as sung on stage by Jennifer Holliday or on the big screen sung by Jennifer Hudson, I can not imagine anyone hearing this song and not feeling some connection to the chanteuse as she pulls from the depths of her soul. She declares that she is changing. She is not looking for anyone else to change. She does not need a change in her circumstances. She is going to be the change that she wants to see in her world.  She is going to stop being a bratty diva and she is going to be a more authentic Effie. (Confession for my Obama fans: I just typed and deleted "Now that's a change you can believe in" three times! Ha! Ha! Since it is in parentheses, it doesn't count.)

    I will not spoil the plot for the few who may not have experienced this powerful moment in the Dreamgirls story but I will simply ask this: Are you ready for a change?  Sometimes, we say that we want to change but it is simply too difficult.  It seems to me that the difficulty lies not in the change but in fighting the gravitational pull  of staying the same. Of course it is difficult to change if we continue to do the same silly things day after day. In another blog entry, which is currently in the draft stage, I will tell you about my catalyst for change. For today, I'm asking you to celebrate with me because the good news is that once you choose to make one small change, there is a ripple effect (I don't like dominoes because they fall down and I'd rather not fall if I have the option).  One small change leads to another and then another and before you know it, you have done the impossible - you have made the change that you wanted to see.

      My change is the move from wanting to be a published writer to actually being a published writer. I tend to forget that I do have a sermon and an essay published in  Dr. Cleophus J. LaRue's book, This is My Story: Testimonies and Sermons of Black Women in Ministry. (My blog, my shameless plug!) As a good friend said when the book was published, "The hard part is done. You've been published once and the first time is the hardest. Now, all you have to do is continue!" Continue? Was he crazy? I wrote those pieces like any other assignment while I was a full time graduate student. I don't have time for dreams anymore because I have to make a living and I can't do that while writing. I did not believe that I would ever have the time to pursue my dream. Now, I have more time than I care to manage - but I am using it to write. I write in the mornings. I write after and often during lunch. I write before my daughter comes home from school. I write before going to bed. When I am tired of writing, I read. I read the works of those who were bold enough to follow their heart and talent. I read the bible, I read everything Stephanie Meyer publishes, I read blogs, I read magazines. I read what I have written and sometimes I actually like it. I have always been a reader, but now, following Effie's lead, I am changing. I am a writer. I did not believe that I could make money by writing, but that belief is changing as well!
     There will be more exciting news for us to celebrate in the near future as I continue to embrace and engage my change. The question remains - are you ready to change? What do you require to make the change that your dreams require? The lyrics of the song make it plain that although Effie and I and (insert your name here) are changing - we can not do it alone.  We need help and we need to help one another. We need a hand and we need to get started. I must pause here to thank those who have given me a hand -  a word of encouragement, a critical view of my work, a meal at a real restaurant or the blessing of childcare so that I can pursue this dream. When you are ready, I will take my hands off of the keyboard and extend them to help you as well.  We are changing!

     If you are viewing this blog post on your phone or a restrictive server, you will not see the video of Jennifer Hudson singing this marvelous song, so for your benefit, here are the lyrics.  I recommend that you use them for inspiration to make a small change today! Be blessed!


Look at me/Look at me
I am Changing / Trying every way I can
I am changing / I'll be better than I am
I'm trying / To find a way
to understand / but I need you
I need you / I need a hand

I am changing / Seeing everything so clear
I am changing / I'm gonna start right now right here
I'm hoping / To work it out and I know that I can

But I need you / I need a hand

All of my life / I been a fool
who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that long road
there was nothing I could find
All these years of darkness
Can make a person blind

But now I can see
I am changing / Trying every way I can
I am changing / Ill be better than I Am

But I need a friend / to help me start / all over again

That will be just fine
I know its gonna work out this time
Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am Changing / Ill get my life together now
I am changing / Yes, I know how
Im gonna start again / Im gonna leave my past behind
Ill change my life / Ill make a vow
And nothings gonna stop
me
now