Dear Kelly (Why I Run)

Dear Kelly,

You are an insightful friend and I appreciate the gift of your friendship.  I enjoyed our conversation about food and educational pursuits and I am still not sure how this question came about in a conversation that was supposed to be about your health. You may have simply been curious or just making conversation but your question was one that I had asked myself but failed to answer. Your asking compelled me to organize my musings and generate an answer.  Do you remember asking me why I work out so hard? I do. At first, I gave you the comical answer but as with all comedy, there is a deeper truth lurking beneath the surface. Here it is...

Today, I sat in my car for a moment before going into the gym because I felt a profound and palpable sadness welling up inside of me. I knew that I would not be able to run at all if I gave in to this feeling, so I grabbed my Ipod and my ID card and rushed into the club. The tears began streaming down my face in spite of my resolve to get ahead of them. I quickly brushed them aside so that the man behind the desk would not see them and wordlessly ask me what was wrong. I rushed into the ladies room and allowed the tears to fall and I muffled the sobs that broke through as well. I stood in the stall feeling confused and angry because I did not know where this came from and I wanted it to end.  Finally, I collected myself, blew my nose on that rough industrial strength toilet paper and trudged over to the sink where I washed my face and instead of giving myself the evil eye and demanding decorum, I just smiled a weak smile and thought, "It's going to be okay."  In one final gesture of self torture, I hopped on the scale which provided a digital confirmation that I have only lost one pound from all of my hard work and managed to laugh at myself for falling into the trap of playing the numbers game.

My renewed smile and I walked up the stairs and began the trek to the treadmill.  Settled into my routine of a brisk walk with an increasing incline I remembered your question again. Why am I working so hard? I remembered a scene from the film, "What Women Want" where an advertisement is created for Nike running shoes for women and the woman expresses the freedom she feels when running. I realized that I want to be free too.  While playing the role of my everyday avatar, I frequently find confinement and restriction. Most days, I feel like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder uphill only to return to the same dreaded task tomorrow. It seems to me that if I have to work this hard only to end up in the same place as where I started, I might as well gain some cardiovascular benefits while doing it.

The treadmill will not clutch it's telemetry strip because of the hue of my skin or the kink of my hair. The treadmill is neither impressed nor intimidated by my educational pedigree. The treadmill welcomes me whether I look happy to see it or not.  The treadmill does not feel slighted when my headphones are in and I seem tuned out.  I am not judged for choosing to walk when I could and should run. I am not  mocked when I run with poor form. I am neither overqualified nor under-qualified to work here.  The treadmill asks no questions and offers no solutions or suggestions. The treadmill literally just keeps it moving.

Whether walking or running, I am thinking. I am processing. I am solving. I am releasing. I am just being. I am listening. I am hearing. I am praying. I am moving. When I am on the treadmill, I embrace the God in me because when I am on the treadmill, I just AM. It does not matter if I burn 3 calories or 300. It does not matter that I don't have a job or a "better half" right now. The only thing that matters is that I am here. Like Miss Celie in the famous scene in The Color Purple, by God, I'm still here. I am still here and I have value beyond measure. I can translate my dreams into reality and transmute negative energy into positivity! I am evolving. I am growing. I just AM, I tell you. I just AM!

I began walking on the treadmill because my clothes were a little bit too tight and my ego was a little bit bruised.  Now that I have a better sense of my self and my abilities, I walk on the treadmill for the health benefits and because every day, I run a little bit more than I walk and one day, I'm going to run the entire 5K (3.1 miles) from start to finish.  I am not in any hurry to reach that goal, but I am having fun along the way and that's all that matters!

Again, I thank you for asking me the question. I am grateful for the answers that I have found. I run because I can and because it frees me up to just BE. What an awesome gift. The freedom, luxury, and privilege to just BE who I AM if only for 45 minutes every day.

Kelly, I pray that you will also find that special place in your own life where you can just BE. May you find that God space that empowers you to say, I AM. May you find and live in the peace that passes all understanding granted and given by the God who IS!

Peace and Love,
Carla


Stevie Wonder sang it so well:

Free like the river
Flowin' freely through infinity
Free to be sure of
What I am and who I need not be
Free from all worries
Worries prey on oneself's troubled mind
Freer than the clock's hands
Tickin' way the times
Freer than the meaning of
free that man defines
Life running through me
Till I feel my father God has called

Me having nothin'
But possessing riches more than all
And I'm free
To be nowhere
But in every place I need to be
Freer than a sunbeam
Shinning through my soul
Free from feelin' heat or
knowing bitter cold
Free from conceiving the beginning
For that's the infinite start

I'm gone - gone but still living
Life goes on without a beating heart

Free like a vision
That the mind of only you can see

Freer than a raindrop
Falling from the sky
Freer than a smile in a
baby's sleepin' eyes

I'm free like a river
Flowin' freely to infinity
I'm free to be sure of what
I am and who I need not be
I'm much freer - like the meaning
of the word free that
crazy man defines
Free - free like the vision that
The mind of only you are ever gonna see
Free like the river my life
Goes on and on through infinity