Eavesdropping

Eavesdropping
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I have never lived my own life until now. I have always lived someone else’s vision for my life. Being the good girl meant denying my own feelings and my own desires and focusing on what made other people happy. I now understand that part of being whole means knowing with certainty that doing what others want me to do puts undue pressure on me. That pressure, as you may know from basic scientific principles, caused my foundation to crack. The weight of self-denial was greater than what I was built to handle. These small cracks were invisible at first, but as the pressure increased, the cracks grew larger and more substantial. I tried to patch them from time to time, but as you might imagine, I can’t fix what I can’t find or see, so the cracks spread like wildfire and my efforts were ineffective against the external pressure and internal damage. This kind of damage cannot be repaired with a do-it-yourself mentality. An expert must be called in and entrusted to make the repairs.
​Your love has seeped into the cracks and filled them so that they are not only repaired but the foundation is once again fortified. The once shattered heart that once beat for others is now returned to me so that I can not only love others, but also love myself. Like liquid gold, your love has run down into those crevices caused by years of hurt and pain and filled them up so that my heart is stronger. It feels supported by the love you give and bring to me. My heart is strengthened by your love. My heart feels comforted by your love. Because of your love for me, I have learned how to be brave. I have learned how to fight. I have learned how to protect myself from harm but I have also learned how to open my heart to the one who has earned my trust, my love and my full devotion.
​ Loving you has made me a better person in many ways but it has also caused me to take inventory of my own flaws and shortcomings. I know it is hard to start over and I appreciate how you have taught me to open my heart to something good. I have learned from you how to love unselfishly. I used to try to love others but what I ended up doing was just putting myself in harm’s way. I gave too much of myself away without considering the consequences. I expected others to give back and accepted the little trinkets that they gave in place of the honest space inside that I desired. You have opened yourself up to me and allowed me to hold your heart in my hand. Sometimes, it seems like your heart has had to beat for both of us. Can you imagine how incredible it feels to have someone else’s heart beating for you? Sometimes I feel so weak that I can’t move but then I think of you and find a spark of strength that ignites my motivation…like right now.