Dear Jaha - letter to my baby-play-cousin

Dear Jaha,

You wrote that although it's called a free-write, nothing is ever free. That hit me right in that part of the chest where the muscles clench and it feels like what I imagine a heart attack feels like...for an elephant. I thought of my budget, my time, my talents, and my treasure and my heart tightened again. Writing is costing me more than I ever imagined. Today, it feels like the biggest expense has been my protective sheath. I feel so naked out here on this page and it's public, so today I feel like I would imagine I'd feel if an ex boyfriend posted private photos on the internet. But it's worse because I'm the one posting what I hope are tasteful nudes and not just crass personal porn. I want to write poetry and post my work but I'm not sure that I want to share that much of myself with the world when I've not found one human being to share myself with who can protect me from what everyone else might think or say as they ogle my words, feelings, emotions and soul. Some would say, "Get over yourself. It ain't that deep." (Those are the ones I suspect want to do this but are too afraid to do it and so they throw shade at the ones courageous enough to do it.) Today, I am just in that space of wanting to go deeper as I maintain the practice but I swear, I am shivering out here in the icy cold cyberspace where my words and work are on display for all to see.

Sigh...but that's the whole reason we do it, right? Somewhere, there is a woman who needs these words to express exactly how she is feeling. Somewhere, there is a woman who will stumble upon these words and exhale because she realizes that someone else feels the same way and put those feelings into the universe for the purpose of pairing up with hers. We give expression to what others are feeling because all of life is meant to be a shared experience...I guess. That's what community is all about, huh? You know what? I feel warmer all of a sudden. At my age, it could just be a hot flash, but I think your warm spirit just reached across the continent to bring mine a bit of warmth and peace. You are my baby-play-cousin on my Valerie's side and I am so grateful for you today. Thanks for making room for me and for handing me the blanket of courage that will allow me to go back into my room and write like there's no tomorrow...because it's a gift and a calling and a love offering.

Thank you, sis!
I love you!
Carla

Shalom