yesterday's affirmation

I received a loving affirmation yesterday.

It caught me off guard because it came in the midst of a moment of self-doubt. I must confess that in many ways, I am a textbook example of a control freak/recovering victim. For example, I embrace my quirky controlling behaviors because I am aware that I am still trying to bring back the balance that was disturbed years ago when power was taken from me. I have finally learned that it is not a zero sum game and so every time I thought I had a grip on this thing, something else would happen and I would find myself back in the red with regard to my sense of "power". So, in order to manage that chaos, I found ways of creating stability for myself. These habits have come to shape many of the things that I do on a daily basis. These habits require great discipline and often great sacrifice but when I look at what I am "sacrificing" I am forced to consider what is really important in my life. I may miss a social outing for the sake of keeping my home "guest ready" by cooking and cleaning. I may decline my own credit card by avoiding Loehmann's or Marshall's for the sake of keeping utilities paid. I can't remember the last time I took myself out for dinner...just because...instead of rationalizing that it would be easier to just eat what is already in the fridge.

The crazy thing is that when I operate outside of my well controlled environment (which can be as simple as getting off of the train one stop early and walking from 42nd to 34th in search of the perfect samosa to eat on my way home), I am able to easily return to those patterns that have given me structure and safety. Even now, getting on this train and heading into New York and waiting to dial into the prayer call helps me to manage the underlying fear that I will get dizzy and need to take my little yellow pills that make the world stop spinning. I pay my bills and don't borrow against tomorrow for things like clothes and shoes so that when I flip that switch, there will be light. I may not like what the light reveals but at least the darkness is an option and not a stark reality. Going to work and coming home gives structure to my day. Praying in the morning gives structure to my day. Planning meals gives structure to my day. Even this act of writing and publishing daily adds another level of structure to my day. All of these things keep the day from running away from me. (I know...it won't really happen that way...it just feels like it.) What would happen if I didn't do these things? Would my world fall apart? Would the earth stop spinning? Certainly not. But for now, this is how it works.

I worry sometimes that my obsession with security will be my undoing but yesterday, I was reminded that there is good even in this quirk of mine. My life may not have the glamour of another's and it may not have what looks like the spontaneity of another's but it provides a place of peace and solace to someone I love...and that's good enough for me.

Shalom