If I let go this pew

In a moment of comical self-reflection one Sunday, I noticed that I don't like to sit on the front pew in our sanctuary because I like having something to lean on or hold onto. I am not sure when that habit began but I do consider myself to be a bit of a pew-gripper. Now, as someone who suffers from random dizzy spells, this is not a bad idea but I began thinking about it one Sunday when the worship leader asked us to raise our hands and I realized that I was practically white-knuckled in my grip on the pew in front of me. With a sly smile, I let go of the pew and raised my hands but when it was time to lower our arms again, there I was, resting on that pew again. What is the security in holding on to that smooth piece of wood? I am still not sure but I do know that I feel oddly anchored when that pew is in front of me. I am not exactly the most kinesthetic worshipper in the crowd, but lately, I find myself asking myself "so, what happens if you let go of this pew?" (Or the more accurate and countrified version of the question..."what happens if I let go this pew?")

It's not like I'm going to fly away or something crazy like that. It's not like some wind is going to blow through the sanctuary and carry me up and out. It's not like I'll lose my natural balance...and if so, I can always sit down! Honestly, I do have this thought that if I let go that pew, something is going to happen to me but I am not sure what.

I seriously believe that though it is chuckleworthy, it speaks to something much deeper. I've been told that I hold back when I am preaching sometimes and I just need to let go. Someone who heard me preach for the first time said, "So, you're not as quiet as we thought" and I thought that was odd, but then I realized that she stands right in front of me when she is singing and she sees what I look like when I am in worship...so she knows what she's talking about! (But how on earth do I fix it? And do I really need to? (and did I just start two sentences with conjunctions?...I digress.)) I already know that in other areas of life, I tend to become way too big if I "let go" and so I rein it in so that others are not displaced by my volume (as in decibels and size). Turning 40 was a bit of a license to let go and exercise the freedom that comes with..."Honey, I'm 40. I don't have to care what you think!" However, with that freedom comes the responsibility to use it wisely. As I move into the world of spoken word performances, I feel the freedom growing. I know that I am learning to let go and just enjoy the ride. Maybe I'll try it on Sunday...and see exactly what might happen if I let go that pew! If you see me on Sunday and I have on ankle weights, you'll know why!